AITA: NBA Edition; Pistons, Ben Simmons, Kyrie Irving, Tom Gores, et al
In case if you're not familiar with AITA, it means "am I the asshole?" It's a popular Reddit channel and has spinoffs elsewhere, such as Twitter.
So I'm a NBA player for one of the league's favorites for winning the 2022 championship by a pretty favorable margin. And come on, the team's still at the top of the conference.
But we haven't always looked so great. One of our best guys Devin has been carrying the load and another best guy Jim came in either out of shape or hunted because of rules. And I haven't played yet.
I should be up front: I'm really smart. Like way smarter than you.
Honestly, I don't really care what you think, it's probably stupid.
I went to Duke University.
I'm not actually a flat earther, but I'm not convinced the world is round. I'm not actually an anti-vaxxer, but I'm not convinced vaccines aren't a conspiracy. I'm not actually an alien enthusiast, but I'm not convinced Stonehenge wasn't built by aliens (or the Pyramids, for that matter). I'm not Canadian, but I'm not convinced that Avril Lavigne isn't currently a body double performed by a girl named Melissa.
You probably don't get this, because you're all a bunch of sheep.
Either way, I'm not going to get the COVID vaccine until I feel like it. Because of that, I can't play in New York. And because of that, I don't have to play until I feel like it.
Ok, interesting one. Feel free to post below about whether the OP ITA or no. Next up:
Hi. Have you ever been to New Orleans? Omg, cajun food is the best.
Anyways, I haven't played yet this season because my foot broke. Some think it's because I'm an NBA basketball player with a unique frame. Some think it's because I eat too much and my weight no longer supports my feet. Who can tell?
I told everyone I'd be ready for opening day, but it's been a while and I'm still not playing. And some pictures of me were taken from unflattering angles.
But honestly, everyone knows me and my current team aren't really going anywhere (except to the nearest jambalaya food truck, am I right?). So...who really cares?
I've done enough that when I come due for a contract, I can ask for whatever I want. In the meantime, I should just enjoy myself where I'm at - particularly the red beans and rice!
They're not doing very well without me, but I'd just be misleading them if I came back now. And besides, I probably wouldn't do great (gumbo give me heartburn when I try to play basketball).
In the end, I'll just wind up getting in good enough shape to play some games to keep showing how good I am and either sign elsewhere or demand a trade whenever I can. So..."Siri, where's the best po' boy nearby?"
Rough one. Ok, next up:
Hi peeps. Is that what people say? Peeps? Is that still in? I'm going to go with it.
I don't really like attention. But I'm in a pretty toxic work environment, I think, and not really sure what to do.
I'm a pretty good NBA player. My team went from 28-54 to 52-30 after I joined the team. I was Rookie of the Year and we've made the playoffs every year since I started.
But my primary colleague Bowl is a massive jackass. He's a good player, an MVP candidate. But just a colossal prick. He threw me under the bus because I passed up a layup in game seven, when there wouldn't have been a game seven if he wouldn't have gone 4-20 while we were up 2-1 in game 4. Hey, you'll never guess what Bowl's up to right now? He's injured. Per usual.
That's not it though. Our coach also talked bad about me, the front office, the media, everyone blamed me for us losing the series.
And the fans? The fans that I helped take a team from literally 10 wins to 52? They are a bunch of sociopaths. I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that. They're just...differently horrible-ized.
Sorry, more than I'd like to usually say. I don't really want to play there again, so I said so, then they threatened me so I said my back hurt, then they threatened me again and so I said that all this garbage took a toll. Still, would prefer not going back to this toxic work environment.
Hmm. I have my own thoughts there, but I'll leave it to you. Thanks Jen. Next:
I try to divide my day into 8 hours of work, 8 hours of sleep, 6 hours of trolling other teams online, 1 hour of trolling my own team online line, 30 minutes of trolling Ben Simmons specifically, 15 minutes of watching my team, and 15 minutes of jerking off. I feel like I'm really disciplined. AITA?
Wow, ok. Well, that's for y'all to decide. Up next:
Hoo hoo hoo! Wuu whu whu! Whnu hnu huh? I don't know. I'm Elvis. You get it, right?
You may know me as the greatest GM to have never made a Finals appearance.*
[cracks knuckles] crack [/end crack]
Everyone hates Ben Simmons. Doc hates him. Even Doc Brown hates him. Joel hates him. Even Jewel hates him. Philly fans hate him. Even...well, Philly fans like Joel. And Jewel. It's an interesting overlap.
So obviously he sucks.
But also, obviously he's a top 10 player in the league and deserves a return similar to James Harden. So if you have a difference maker, fourteen first round picks, young talent, and some hot young wife who's into Elvis cosplay, don't even bother calling.**
*Suck it Hinkie
**I'll call you
Ooh that's cringy. Ok, thanks Elv...I mean Hink...I mean, Dar...whatever. you horrible franchise. Up next:
Let me start with: I never asked for this. I tried. Really, I tried.
I made five straight All Star games. Got a big extension. Then blew out my Achilles.
I spent 9 years with that team. But they wanted to go another direction. Ok.
But they traded me to this garbage ass team. To some team that used to be run by some douchebag who would call himself "Dork Elvis." Douche Elvis flew town and it was one of the worst teams in the league. Ok.
I came back, and you know what? I put up my highest scoring total per 36 minutes. Put that in your Massingill and smoke it, Morey.
But seriously, fuck this. I'm 31. I'm perfectly primed for the Derrick Rose Memorial Post Injury Comeback Tour. I still have a few more good years left and I'm not wasting it on this bullshit.
Plus, I'm making $44 million!!! Have you ever made $44 million and no one cares if you show up for work? I'm not going to lie. It's awesome. It's just as great as it sounds. And they owe me $47 next year!!
But still...I don't suck, it'd be kinda cool to get to play again. Like, I actually travel with the team, that's how bored I am.
I'd try for an evil laugh, but I think it might come out as a yawn?
Ok, thanks partner. Who's up next?
[random person smacks ass]
Oh hi Robert Sarver. Could you not do that please?
Fuck off. And I'd like to explore how I could pay you less.
Um, that was unpleasant. He must be the last bad owner in the NBA world, yeah? Up next:
So...there was this one time I promised to donate $10 million to help alleviate the Flint water crisis, then followed it up with an additional $1 million. Then I just...didn't. The news passed and I didn't feel like it anymore. I hoped everyone would just forget. And they pretty much did. Oh, also I own this problematic business that exploits incarcerated folks. Still, AITA?
Up to y'all! Looking forward to the answers.